While reading Between: A guide for parents of eight to thirteen-year-olds (a great read full of practical advice), I came across a crucial topic that caregivers need to discuss with their children. What should our children look for in a positive relationship, and what red flags they must check?
Positive signs for a healthy relationship
- Both people trust, respect and support each other.
- Both people enjoy spending time together and having fun.
- There is honest and open communication between both people.
- Being with that partner brings more happiness and joy than stress and worry.
- Each partner has a separate identity away from the other.
Red flags for a toxic or abusive relationship
- There is a lack of trust or dishonesty between partners.
- One or both partners feel insecure.
- There is an avoidance of all conflicts and disagreements.
- There are signals of co-dependency (becoming overly dependent on the other partner).
- One partner’s needs are put before the other’s.
- Signs of violence (physical violence, verbal violence or controlling behaviour – e.g., preventing or stopping friendships with other people).
Note: It’s important to notice any signs of violence in a relationship can also come from girls or women.
If our children ever need to talk about their relationship worries, we should do our best not to spew advice such as “Oh, never mind. It was never serious. You are still so young. Plenty of fish in the sea, and you’ll meet someone else.”
Yes, it might be possible that the relationship wasn’t serious. Still, our children will remember our words next time they fall in love. Would they open themselves to us about future relations when they know we can diminish their dreams and hopes?
It is better to let our children talk as much as they want, and we should aim to listen to them in a non-judgemental way and give mindful advice only if our children ask us. We all know that sometimes we are not looking for solutions when complaining about something, but we want to feel seen, heard, held or understood.
And we should remember that for all the things children avoid telling us because they don’t trust us, they will fill their gaps from TV, the internet or things their peers say or do. But we can talk confidently with our children about red and positive flags in their relationships only if this is something that we practised on our own. And this is where red flags can become much crueller.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman and Nan Silver talk about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which can predict the end of a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Horseman 1: Criticism
Naturally, we will have complaints about our partner. However, complaints focus on specific behaviours or events (“I am upset that you forgot it was your turn to wash the dishes. Could you do it now?”) versus criticism, which is generalized accusations about our partner’s character (“You always forget things. You never do anything around the house. You just don’t care.”)
Warily, Gottman remarks that we can turn any complaint into a criticism simply by inserting something like: “What is wrong with you?”
Horseman 2: Contempt
According to Gottman’s research, contempt is the most destructive pattern in relationships and the number one predictor of divorce.
The second horseman arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect […] Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.
Don’t ever tell your partner to “calm down.” Your goal here is not to change (or censor) your partner’s emotions but to communicate that you understand and accept them. Anger is not always rational, and you may not agree with your partner’s perspective or his or her level of upset. But that doesn’t change your job, which is to ask questions without judgment and express understanding and empathy. Phrases like “Don’t be silly” and “There’s nothing at all to be afraid of” may be well-intentioned intentioned, but they can come across as ridicule. We are all complicated creatures whose actions and reactions are governed by a wide array of perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and memories.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Horseman 3: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is primarily used when we feel that our partner unjustly accuses us and we play the role of the innocent victim, so the aggressor/partner backs off.
The problem with this horseman is that too many times, we will not only respond defensively but also try to reverse blame so that it looks it is our partner’s fault: “Did you make a reservation for the next week?” “I was too busy, I forgot. But you know how busy my schedule is. Why do I have to do it? Why didn’t you make the reservation?”
Horseman 4: Stonewalling
This occurs when we refuse to interact with our partner, shutting down any communication. It takes time, and a lot of criticism, contempt or defensiveness until stonewalling occurs, but once it does happen, stonewalling becomes a habit that is difficult to break.
Usually, people stonewall as protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, a sensation we call flooding. It occurs when your spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked. They may go through the motions of togetherness, attending their children’s plays, hosting dinner parties, taking family vacations. But emotionally, they no longer feel connected to each other. They have given up.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
If we tell our partner, “You are not listening to me”, this is how the Four Horsemen look in action:
- criticism – “I don’t listen because you are always missing the point.”
- contempt – “Why waste my time?”
- defensiveness – “Yes, I am! You’re the one that is not paying attention.”
- stonewall – completely ignore the remark.
In a relationship, there can be respect with no love, love with no respect, no love and no respect, or love and respect alike. Which one would we want for ourselves and our children?
How to counteract the Four Horsemen?
There are short-term strategies (I statements instead of You statements – phrases starting with I are usually less likely to be critical), admitting our part in a conflictual situation (to defuse defensiveness), asking for a timeout during a heated argument (against stonewalling).
As an article from the Gottman Institute says:
So, when you take a break, it should last at least twenty minutes because it will take that long before your body physiologically calms down. It’s crucial that during this time, you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”). Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music, reading, or exercising. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as it helps you to calm down.
Long-term strategies include building a culture of appreciation and respect (against contempt) or taking responsibility (against defensiveness).
As I wrote in The Exponential Art of Kaizen, one of the groundbreaking findings in Gottman’s research was that in successful relationships, positive remarks outweigh negative remarks with a daily factor of five to one.
A long-lasting relationship is also about friendship, about all those soft, minor gestures that quietly weave a strong fabric. Small tokens of affection are more predictive of loving and respectful relationships, presumably because repeated gentle moments provide consistent nourishing.
Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Another long-term strategy is for partners to build together a sense of meaning.
In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along”—they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Are the concepts of the Four Horsemen too much to discuss with our children? Possibly. Possibly not. Let’s not forget about KAGOY (kids are getting older younger) as our children are exposed to an abundance of knowledge, for better or worse.
We should teach our children that they deserve and must offer friendship, support, respect, attention, caring and understanding in a relationship.
We should also tell our children to trust their instincts if something doesn’t feel quite right in their relationship. It’s better to be alone than lonely — loneliness in two cuts deeper than being single.
But above all, the most significant piece of relationship advice is to always start by loving ourselves. If we love and respect ourselves, we will demand and give love and respect from/to others.
As poet Kahlil Gibran wonderfully expressed, let’s not love half lovers or believe half-truths, dream half dreams or fantasize about half hopes because we are a whole that exists to live a life, not half a life.
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Kahlil Gibran – Do not love half lovers
Note: Gottman and Silver also talk about the thorny issue of mothers of men being overly involved in their sons’ relationships. Naturally, the following quotes apply to women as well: first, they are part of a relationship, then daughters.
The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of “we-ness” between husband and wife. So the husband must let his mother know that his wife does indeed come first. He is a husband, then a son.
This is not a pleasant position to take. His mother’s feelings may be hurt. It is absolutely critical for the marriage that the husband be firm about this, even if he feels unfairly put upon and even if his mother cannot accept the new reality. He should not compromise who he is. But he has to stand with his wife and not in the middle. He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values, and lifestyle and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.
An important part of putting your spouse first and building this sense of solidarity is to not tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
I believe these quotes should also be addressed and talked about with our children. I still remember the discussions I had with my mother and how much she spoke about the influence of the boy’s mother on a relationship. She was right to warn me. My marriage thrives because, among other things, my husband and I both know the family we are building together will always come before our blood families. And I expect my daughter to choose her relationship as well over us, her parents.