Verbal bullying and complaints are communicative expressions but differ significantly in intent, effect, and purpose. Verbal bullying is an aggressive behaviour characterized by repeated harmful statements intending to belittle, hurt, or intimidate someone. It can manifest as name-calling, taunting, threatening, or derogatory remarks. It is essential to note that verbal bullying is not a one-time insult. Instead, it is systematic, recurring, and intended to exercise power.
In contrast, complaints generally originate from dissatisfaction or concern about a situation or behaviour without the intent to harm or exert dominance.
Complaints
Jamie tells Ben, “I don’t like this blue crayon; it’s too dark for the sky.” Jamie is merely expressing his opinion about the crayon’s shade.
Timmy tells Lily, “Your toy is too noisy.” Timmy shares how he feels about the toy’s noise.
Verbal Bullying
However, if Jamie ridicules Ben whenever they draw by saying, “Of course, Ben would pick the ugly blue crayon,” or “Ben’s drawings always look weird because he uses that blue,” complaints shift into verbal bullying. Instead of stating his preference, Jamie intentionally tries to make Ben feel embarrassed about his drawings.
If Timmy makes fun of Lily every time they play by saying things like, “Only babies like such silly toys,” or “You have the worst toys ever,” to make Lily feel bad, that becomes verbal bullying. He’s not just sharing how he feels anymore; he’s intentionally trying to hurt Lily’s feelings.
Given the malicious nature of verbal bullying, children often grapple with how to respond effectively without escalating the situation. Enter fogging.
Fogging is a communication method used to neutralize criticism or negative remarks. Instead of becoming defensive, we agree with the statement in a vague or non-committal manner.
Typically, when someone resorts to verbal bullying or insults, they anticipate a defensive or hurt reaction. But fogging sidesteps this expectation, and the power dynamics change, leaving the other disoriented because of the unexpected emotional feedback. Fogging is particularly effective because bullying behaviours often crave a reaction. This concept is called “fogging” because, much like fog, our response is elusive and hard to grasp.
Fogging is not self-deprecation. Self-deprecation involves making oneself the butt of the joke or putting oneself down, primarily to gain approval, fit into a group, or deflect potential criticism. An example would be a child remarking, “Yeah, I’m terrible at this game,” even if they genuinely enjoy it. The primary goal with fogging isn’t self-degradation but a neutral acknowledgement of a comment, as we don’t internalize the hurtful words or feel compelled to escalate the situation in defence.
Comment:
“You’re rubbish at playing football.’
De-escalating, Fogging Reply:
“Yes, I know. Let’s hope I get better, huh?”
(excerpt from Will You Be My Friend by Molly Potters)
Comment:
“Your shoes are so ugly!”
Escalating Reply:
“Yours aren’t better!”
De-escalating, Self-Deprecating Reply:
“Yeah, they’re probably the ugliest shoes I own.”
De-escalating, Fogging reply:
“Perhaps. I like them.”
Comment:
“Of course, you would pick that ugly crayon.”
Escalating Reply:
“Well, maybe you just don’t understand good colours!”
De-escalating, Self-Deprecating Reply:
“I always pick the worst colours, don’t I?”
De-escalating, Fogging Reply:
“Yeah, I do like using this crayon.”
Comment:
“Your drawings always look weird.”
Escalating Reply:
“At least I can draw, can you?”
De-escalating, Self-Deprecating Reply:
“I know, I’ve never been good at drawing.”
De-escalating, Fogging Reply:
“Possibly. I guess I just like my drawings that way.”
Comment:
“You have the worst toys ever.”
Escalating Reply:
“You’re just jealous you don’t have toys like mine.”
De-escalating, Self-Deprecating Reply:
“Yeah, I always end up with the worst toys.”
De-escalating, Fogging Reply:
“Better than having no toys at all.”
Comment:
“These examples are lame!”
Escalating Reply:
“Oh yeah? Show me your examples!”
De-escalating, Self-Deprecating Reply:
“I’m probably the worst at giving examples.”
De-escalating, Fogging Reply:
“You’re right. These are simple examples.”
As these examples show, fogging doesn’t mean agreeing with everything but de-escalating the potential conflict and moving the conversation forward.
This strategy can empower children by giving them a way to respond to bullies without adding fuel to the fire. However, mastering fogging requires practice. Children must understand that using fogging doesn’t mean they agree with the negative comments.
At the heart of fogging is the ability to identify a hint of truth in the remarks of the person confronting us and echo it back to them. Like a mirror, we reflect the hurtful comments without absorbing their bite. We acknowledge something is true without justification and explaining why. Especially important is that we don’t apologize for our acknowledgement.
An essential aspect of this technique is that it should never come off as sarcastic or mocking. If so, it can provoke a counterproductive response.
Using fogging is challenging, as it demands a lot of inner resilience. Role-playing various scenarios at home with a parent or a supportive person and switching roles (either on the aggressive side or on the de-escalating side) make this technique easier to grasp.
It is vital to foster an environment where children feel safe and encouraged to discuss their daily experiences, especially those that might have been challenging. When children know they have a trusted confidant, they are more likely to share instances where they faced verbal bullying or witnessed someone else undergoing such treatment. As caring grown-ups, we can dissect the situation, explore the emotions, and brainstorm with our children potential fogging responses. This mutual exercise empowers our children and strengthens our bonds as a side benefit. Their struggles are our struggles.
Fogging isn’t confined to childhood scenarios alone. As children grow and transition into adult work environments, the ability to respond to criticism or negative comments calmly and non-confrontational can be invaluable. Like school playgrounds, the corporate world is not immune to challenging personalities or unwarranted criticism. By mastering fogging early on, our children can equip themselves with a transferable skill that serves them in boardrooms, team meetings, and everyday adult interactions. What starts as a tool for navigating school confrontations can become a lifelong strategy for managing interpersonal dynamics.
Fogging does have its limitations. For example, what good is fogging in these scenarios?
Blatant Lies
Comment:
“You stole my lunch!”
Fogging isn’t appropriate since it inadvertently admits guilt. In cases like this, a straightforward clarification works best.
Alternative:
“I didn’t take your lunch. You should check with someone else.”
Intense Emotional Bullying
Comment:
“No wonder your parents don’t love you.”
Fogging Reply:
“Yeah, families can be tough.”
In this case, fogging might work (refusing to be hurt by the other person), but specific comments may be too emotionally charged for a fogging response, especially for younger kids. It’s essential to teach our children to prioritize their emotional well-being over any other emotional closure or validation a further verbal engagement might bring.
Alternative:
Walk away and seek support from a trusted adult or friend.
Physical Threats
Comment:
“I’ll hurt you after school.”
Fogging Reply:
“Huh, perhaps you don’t like me that much.”
Alternative:
If physical threats accompany verbal bullying, fogging isn’t the right strategy. Safety becomes the top priority.
Seek help and report the threat immediately.
Cyberbullying
Comment on a photo:
“You look so ugly here.”
Fogging Reply:
“Not my best angle, I guess.”
Alternative:
Cyberbullying offers a unique challenge because of the digital platform’s permanence and the potential for messages to spread or be seen by many quickly. It is crucial to teach children not to feed into the negativity and instead prioritize their safety and mental well-being by employing platform-specific safety measures (block the person or report the comment).
Newton’s third law of motion states, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Fogging bypasses this law by offering a subtle alternative to getting pulled into treacherous tit-for-tat exchanges. But it is just that, a subtle alternative. And so, we need to teach our children a variety of alternatives against bullying. Upcoming articles will delve deeper into a much-needed toolkit against bullying.
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Excellent article Roxana very helpful
Thank you, Diana! More to follow!