While creating the outline for an article about preventing parenting burnout, I kept thinking about what I wanted to know before I had a child. So, I asked my husband and some of my friends what they wish they knew before their first newborn. In random order, and under the guise of anonymity, here are some ideas:
Breastfeeding
One of the biggest myths about breastfeeding is that it is easy, billions of mothers have done it before us, and it only takes a bit of willpower. Breastfeeding is not the most natural thing in the world as it takes a while until mothers warm up to lactogenesis (the onset of milk secretion).
… I should have stopped consuming dairy products made with cow’s milk while still pregnant. My baby was reacting badly every time I had regular dairy products.
… I should have met with an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant before giving birth. Also, to assess my baby for tongue tie, as the hospital midwives said there was none. The lactation consultant detected it immediately and led us to the tongue tie surgery (this procedure was done in a few seconds).
… Overall, a competent midwife would be a must. She would guide me and not force me, encourage me to try breastfeeding positions or be gentle with myself.
… I discovered that men (my husband, my GP or Jack Newman) provided me with more help and understanding than some women. My mother doubted me. The baby was crying while breastfeeding, and my mother thought my milk was not fat enough. I breastfed for much longer than I intended, and would you believe my baby was in the top percentiles for growth and weight! Guess my milk was rather good.
…. I should have researched earlier about weaning breastfeeding at night. I read that once older babies get water instead of milk at night, they may think it’s not worth waking up just for water and rather, they start sleeping through the night.
… I should have learned earlier about ways to prevent the terrible, terrible pain of blocked ducts that could lead to mastitis or hospitalizing. I should have taken lecithin much earlier.
… I am so glad I got to read Chribsheet before giving birth. It busts many unnecessarily harmful breastfeeding myths, nipple confusion, lactation, etc. It eases the expectations and pressure on moms, especially first-time ones. Excellent book!
… And the joke inspired by actual events: I share parenting responsibilities with my husband. I breastfeed because he can’t. He sleeps because I can’t.
Connecting with the Partner
… I should have read earlier The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver:
[The husband] loves his child, but he wants his wife back. What’s a husband to do? The answer to his dilemma is simple: He can’t get his wife back — he has to follow her into the new realm she has entered.
The couple needs to ignore some popular bad advice. Many well-meaning experts recommend that they consider marriage and family a balancing act as if their lives are a seesaw with the baby on one end and the marriage on the other.
Couples are counselled to spend some time away from the baby and focus on their marriage and outside. But marriage and family are not diametrically opposed. Rather, they are of one cloth. Yes, the couple should spend time away from the baby occasionally. But if they are making this transition well together, they will find that they can’t stop talking about the baby, nor do they want to.
Too often, such couples are made to feel as if they have done something wrong because they have made their own relationship seemingly secondary to their new roles as parents. The result is that they feel all the more stressed and confused.
But in fact, they have done something very right. The important thing here is that they are in it together. To the extent that both husband and wife make this philosophical shift, the parent-child relationship and the marriage thrive.
Remember, you haven’t failed if you end up spending a lot of your “dates” discussing the baby — you’ve succeeded.
A baby is like water, and it will permeate through every layer of the parents’ life. What was the colour of the poo? How many wet nappies? Is that a rash I see? Your turn to give a bath.
A baby is like a woodpecker, chipping away time, energy, and sleep from the family tree. No wonder new parents crave a chance of normalcy, yearning for some remembrance of the old life.
Having a baby will not magically mend all the broken ties between partners. Instead, too often, parents will fight like never before, and they will doubt themselves, their partner, or the baby.
Sometimes, an atrocious lack of sleep could make any normal, decent human being act in terror.
Sometimes, much bigger personal or couple issues that we can no longer ignore resurface. Old wounds appear. Then, we ask ourselves, as Dr Seuss said:
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And the terrifying reality is that according to psychotherapist and marriage researcher John Gottman who studied couples from the newlywed period through the transition to parenthood, most couples break up within the first seven years of marriage because they became parents.
Around 67% (67%!) of couples in one of Gottman’s studies reported declining relationship satisfaction after the first baby’s arrival. This decline typically showed between six months (for women) and nine months (for men).
Some causes for these break-ups: parents feel unappreciated, frequency and intensity of relationship conflicts increase significantly, frequency of sex declines dramatically, one of the partners gets very involved with the baby and is too exhausted to offer the other partner much in ways of emotional connection, changes in identity, goals in life or values, etc.
So a better preparation from both expecting partners for dangers to come is crucial. What are the responsibilities of each partner? How will each partner connect with the baby? Sleep is not a luxury, so what can be done to protect it? What about sexual life? What can be done about chores around the house – cooking, cleaning, etc.? What about relatives and their, most often, unwanted recommendations?
These essential questions might be acted out as implementation intentions (self-regulatory strategies in the form of an “if-then” plan). Being more specific about our intentions will eliminate ambiguity. Visualizing is a powerful tool, and various parts of the day can be imagined. If I sleep rough this evening, what activities can I skip tomorrow? Would I cook, or would I order something? Would I call a friend or not?
A massive part of disconnection between partners begins when we lack empathy and understanding towards the other.
“Look at them, they go to work, no care in the world, they get to drink hot coffee, talk to adults, and I am stuck at home.”
“Look at them, they stay home all day, the baby is sleeping non-stop, and I’m drained from the commute, my boss is impossible, and I just want to quit.”
These examples are plausible internal monologues that we start repeating until we believe them.
Not only a baby is born, but a mother is born too. A father too. And we need time and understanding until we adjust to our new roles. Do we even want these roles? What if a mother does not feel motherly? What about dads that are asked if they babysit, instead of parenting, their own babies?
Self-care
… I needed the patience to lower my expectations and find a support group, some friends to see each week as I isolated myself too much in my baby’s first months.
… I wish I had stated more clearly to my partner when I needed time for myself, no babies allowed.
… I was lucky to have other friends who had children before me, and hearing what they were going through made me realize how difficult having a baby is. Their experience helped me to keep an open mind.
… Develop empathy, tolerance, adaptability. I needed to know myself well. Once I knew my limits, I now understand what can be ignored or what needs to be respected.
… Learn exercises to relieve stress or build patience.
…. Offer and receive a massage from the partner at least once a week. Every parenting expert will tell us about the importance of skin contact between a baby and his parents, so why ignore skin contact between parents? Keep the baby close, get a back massage, talk about the day.
…. I heard “sleep when the baby is sleeping” so many times from all kinds of people that I started to wonder what they do for a living. Sure, I’ll sleep when the baby is sleeping, but first, let me tell my maid to clean the house, tell my cook what I want for dinner, talk to my secretary about my appointments.
… At least one hour outdoors.
… Toxic motherhood when I compare myself to other mothers. We all have different life experiences, risk tolerance, social ambitions, work-life balance targets or career goals. So I learned that sometimes it is better to unsubscribe from Facebook parenting groups. To each their own.
Habits
… Form good and healthy habits before my baby arrives. For example, compile a list of quick and straightforward dishes to avoid wasting time in the kitchen.
… It is difficult for me to write, and I would have liked to journal earlier. In time, it becomes easier to grab a pen. As a new parent, my mind wanders about a million little things, but if I write down as much as possible, it helps me figure out the cause of a problem. I also won’t forget essential memories about my baby.
… I should have been more careful about my caffeine intake.
Recommendations
… I was helped a lot by the national antenatal classes organized during my pregnancy. There are quite a few differences between countries’ recommendations about child-rearing. For example, doctors tell you to bathe the baby every day in Romania and in Ireland once every two or three days. A seemingly minor thing but important to parents. A friend told me that she bathed her girl every day and wanted to make an exception for at least one day because she was too tired, but she felt too guilty about it. Less is more.
… I should have read What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff sooner than I did because it covers everything a new parent needs. Those books also helped me ignore all the parenting myths I received from others.
…. During pregnancy, I should have made a list of all the things I swore I would never do with my baby so later I could cross those items one by one.
…. Having a summer job as a babysitter. When they are old enough, I will encourage my children to work a few hours as babysitters so they experience first-hand how to handle babies or small children.
… I should have used my Boba wrap from the first day of having a baby. So much freedom when you can use your arms for feeding yourself instead of going numb from holding the baby. Parents also must research babywearing as far too often parents carry their babies not in an M-shape position. Some interesting guides about babywearing are here, here, or here.
… I should have used Infacol (simethicone) right from birth instead of worrying and waiting for a consultation with my GP, who urged me to use it immediately. My baby was in so much pain after every feeding, and Infacol was nothing short of a miracle for us.
… I should have read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo earlier: declutter the home from the things we don’t need and make better shopping choices. Especially with new parents, there are too many shopping temptations everywhere as we want to make the best purchases for our babies.
… Watch the content from CPR Kids and have the Dk book First Aid Fast for Babies and Children : Emergency Procedures for all Parents and Carers (nothing happened in our case, but I did sleep better after reading and doing a first-aid course for babies and children).
Other recommendation articles are Shopping Recommendations for Children and Books for 0-6-year-olds.
They say to trust your instincts when you are a new mom, but what if those instincts fail you? I put myself under the pressure of believing there is a mythical motherly knowledge buried inside me (“sure, things will work out”) and that it was just a matter of time until that instinctive knowledge started pouring. It didn’t.
It is believed that motherhood is a woman’s responsibility and vocation. But sometimes, dads are better parents because mothers are slowly drowning under the overwhelming waters of sleep deprivation, constant exhaustion, increasing irritability and frustration, unhealthy comparison with others, self-doubt. And so, in a healthy relationship, we raise ourselves taller and stronger when we acknowledge that we need a break and let the other take the wheel. What if the other isn’t there?
And perish the thought that a parent might complain. Either there are numerous remarks from affable strangers or friends about what parents need to do, shop, try. Or there are ominous remarks: “well, this is what happens when you have a baby. What did you expect?”
A bit of compassion or empathy towards us and others would go a long way. To my surprise, I was still shamed, by women nonetheless, whenever I hurried to hold my baby when she was crying or in distress: “you’ll see, whenever she wants you, she will start crying!” Isn’t this what small children want? Their parents?
But the sad reality is that I don’t know if my pregnant self would have read this article. I was too caught up in pregnancy narratives and believing that somehow, things would arrange themselves. I would breastfeed with no issues. Sure, I might have some sleepless nights here and there, but that would be incidentally. I would go out and meet my friends. I would read plenty in my technical field.
And then I gave birth.