Some time ago, I heard a frustrated parent telling their child: “Do this one more time, and I will take away all your toys”. Unsurprisingly, the child reacted with screams and cries. Far from me to judge this interaction, as all parents reach that exhausting point of running low on time, sleep, and energy, and for once, they just need some peace and quiet, and kids listen to them.
However, imagine the child reacts after a few fights like this: “Fine, take my toys. I still won’t do what you want me to do”. Habitually reacting through threats to make children do what must be done becomes a dangerous lifestyle that can affect the whole family.
Or imagine some time in the future, our grown-up children telling us that their partners, while they were arguing, threatened to take away our adult children’s clothes, phones, or laptops. What would our reaction be? Leave them. Leave them NOW.
Unfortunately, this is only one example of interaction we do with our children that we would find abusive if someone else did it to them.
And yet, we need to teach our children that rules are there for a reason, and there will be consequences if they break them. If a child tries to run on a street, perhaps we wouldn’t say: “I’ll take all your toys if you do that one more time”. More often, we will take the time and explain the horrible consequences of what could happen in case of a car accident.
So, how to express our angry feelings when desperate situations call for desperate measures and throwing toys away is not an option?
I did an experiment. When my daughter became defiant, I kept myself from getting angry by breathing deeply [my note – interoception, the sense that builds the mind in action]. Then, I simply went over and gave her a big hug and told her how much I loved her. The effect of doing this on my blood pressure was impressive. But the effect it had on her behaviour was beyond belief. She went from defiant to eager to please in a simple hug.
I tried this suggestion, and it didn’t seem to work. My daughter refused my hugs and my words and ran away from me. After many attempts and long weeks, she started to allow me to be nearby while she was still fuming. Grunt by grunt, she would come closer. And now, sometimes, when she is too furious to use words, and I need her to do something, she comes to my arms to hold her tight until we breathe in the same rhythm. Soon, we will be doing what we need to do.
Children raised in a home in which there are limits on behaviour but not on feelings grow up understanding all emotions are acceptable.
Laura Markham – Calm Parents, Happy Kids
As James Clear writes in his Atomic Habits book,
We tend to imitate the habits of three social groups: the close (family and friends), the many (the tribe), and the powerful (those with status and prestige).
For young children, parents are the close and the powerful. Once children grow up, the impact of the tribe (school colleagues and friends) and the powerful (influencers, older colleagues) will increase, and parents’ guidance might decrease.
So, a good starting point to establish healthy responses on each side to explosive situations should happen while our children still see us, their parents, as almighty and close. Routines and consistency in establishing good habits are crucial. There is no point in enforcing rules and limits in a considerate way twenty per cent of the time if we succumb to our emotions eighty per cent of the time. The lasting change is a lifestyle change.
One approach that probably saved us a lot of headaches is that I check what my daughter watches or reads.
When we look for someone to mind our children for a few hours, we ask for recommendations, perhaps doing a quick online search after the person’s name. Would we allow a complete stranger to mind our children? So, why wouldn’t we do the same screening for what our children watch or read?
Common Sense Media is excellent for children’s shows, movies, books, games, or apps reviews. I keep Youtube watching at a minimum, except for some Jolly Phonics songs. Almost everything else that my daughter watches is on Netflix, as this environment is controlled (knowing what comes next after an episode). Before I buy books, I skim through them and read reviews on Goodreads or Amazon. When we borrow books from the library, she picks the books she wants, we read them and have a conversation about them.
As she grows older, I will need to gradually expose her to some not-so-great models, followed by discussions about what could be the reason behind a specific context, how she would react, and so on. It reminds me of my dialogues with my mother and how she treated me like a small grown-up who needed to learn to distinguish bad situations from good ones.
Stress inoculation: you learn to build up resistance to a bigger problem by voluntarily exposing yourself repeatedly to something similar, albeit in smaller doses or a mild form.
Donald J. Robertson – How to Think Like a Roman Emperor: The Stoic Philosophy of Marcus Aurelius
After years of practice, one of my automatic responses in angry situations when hugging my daughter is perhaps not yet an option, is: “I have to calm down. I will talk when I feel calmer”. After some time, we would go back to step one, hugging each other and then talking about the issue. As Laura Markham says, connect before correct. Whatever happens, I won’t ever say, “If you don’t stop, I will lose it”, as this puts the responsibility for my well-being on the shoulders of others instead of mine.
Another reply I usually tell is somewhat along the lines of:
I’m not interested in finding fault. I’m interested in a solution. Blaming isn’t helpful in a crisis.
Haim G. Ginott – Between Parent and Child
as this approach moves a potential confrontation to a conversation.
Periods of silence need to happen. We all require a me-time transition from the demands of work, school, etc., and our family’s demands. I smile when my daughter says, “I want to be quiet”. She knows she experiences too much and needs a few minutes of peace to let her body and mind recover. Sometimes, we all need everyone to shut their mouths and let us be, especially when we are children.
We have our ups and downs. Sometimes, my daughter ignores me entirely and says she only wants daddy. Once, she told me she wanted another mother. The devastating potential of hurt is always there for the parent who cares. Just as the immense possibility for joy. But what gets my husband and me through difficult situations is that we are not only trying to raise a decent human being. We are trying to raise a best friend.
Obviously, in the case of older children, the situations are much more volatile and complex. These will be stories for other articles.
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